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News & Photos
Let Children be Children
Before I share a few thoughts with you tonight, I’d like to show you a photograph of a father and son which appeared in the Baltimore Sun this summer. This father was returning from a tour of duty on the hospital ship Comfort which had been sent to Iraq to care for wounded American soldiers.
I find the photograph both touching and unique – touching for many reasons and unique because it captures the moments just after that first hug and kiss. I can imagine this dad tossing his son in the air or spinning him around, setting him gently back down on the ground, and then seating himself on his duffel bag so that he could look directly into the eyes of the boy he loves. For both father and son, it is a moment of pure joy.
This photograph got me thinking about looking at and seeing our children ... looking at them straight in the eye and full in the face, and seeing right into their souls. Then I thought about the comment that a harried mom made recently.
She said, “You know, once the school year starts and all the extra-curricular activities begin, I feel like I see more of my child through the rear view mirror than I do across the kitchen table.” We are all so busy, it seems, that it is becoming increasingly more difficult to stop and savor just the sight of our children.
I have a friend who is both a nurse and a licensed clinical social worker. She recently shared with me an article written by William Doherty, Ph.D. who is a professor and the director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota. The article is entitled, “See How They Run” and it addresses what Dr. Doherty describes as “the problem of the decade” which is that, for many kids, childhood is becoming a rat race of hyperscheduling, overbusyness, and loss of family time. (These are the same issues, by the way, which emerged from the work of McDonogh’s Student Life Committee last year.)
Dr. Doherty points out that parents have become “recreation directors” on “the family cruise ship.” They feel tremendous pressure to provide as many opportunities as possible for their children so that their sons and daughters won’t somehow fall behind their peers.
“Parents love their children as much as previous generations did,” he writes, “but we’re raising them in a culture that defines a good parent as an opportunity provider in a competitive world. Parents don’t easily assign themselves “parent points” for providing their children time to daydream and make up games to play with the neighbor kids. Parenting has become a competitive sport with the trophies going to the busiest.”
And it doesn’t just feel as if we’re getting busier. According to Dr. Doherty, a national time-diary survey indicated that between 1981 and 1997, children lost 12 hours per week in free time, including a 25% drop in playtime and a 50% drop in unstructured outdoor activities. The study found that “partly as a consequence of children’s new schedules, families spend less time interacting. Household conversation between parents and children – time for just talking and not doing anything else – nearly dropped off the radar screen of family life.” Another national survey plotted a one-third decrease in the number of families even claiming to have family dinners regularly.
And speaking of family dinners (which few of us enjoyed tonight), a National Adolescent Health Study found “a strong link between regular family meals and a wide range of positive outcomes: academic success, psychological adjustment, and lower rates of alcohol use, drug use, early sexual behavior, and suicide.”
A University of Michigan study of children’s time found that “more mealtime at home was the single strongest predictor of better achievement scores and fewer behavioral problems. Meal- time was far more powerful than time spent in school, studying, going to church, playing sports or doing art activities. Results held across all types of families and all income levels.” So there you have it – pass the macaroni and cheese!
I think few parents would argue the notion of over-scheduled kids and under-connected families. No parent has ever asked me, “Could you please suggest some good after-school activities? My family is spending way too much time together!” But carving out time for family meals, conversations, bedtime stories, or simple relaxation isn’t easy – and can even feel counter-cultural. That is why I think that schools and families need to work on this problem together.
Accordingly, I have been having serious conversation with Lower School teachers over the past year about homework. If we, as a Lower School, say we value family time, we need to help parents preserve it. We have, therefore, established the following limits on homework:
For grades kindergarten and prefirst, there will be no assigned, required homework.
For grades one through four, nightly homework should not exceed the following time limits: Grade 1 – 15 minutes Grade 2 – 20 minutes Grade 3 – 30 minutes Grade 4 – 40 minutes
Children work at different paces, so if it seems that your child will be working 10 or more minutes beyond these limits, please sign your name to the assignment, put it away, and read a story with your child instead. Speak to the teacher or write a note the following day if necessary. Homework should not induce tears – yours or theirs!
Homework assigned on a Friday will be due sometime the following week – but not on Monday. Weekends can then be “homework free” if a family so desires. Homework will not be assigned on holidays or during vacations.
Now, on the homefront, for all you families who often feel frenetic, I strongly urge the following:
Eat together – regularly! – and without the TV as a dinnertime companion. There really is no substitute for family conversations around the kitchen table.
Limit after-school activities! If your children have religious education classes once or twice a week, I suggest no more than one additional activity so that everyone still has time for rest and play!
Peel your children off the laptop and give them some lap time! The most important “instant messages’ that need to be sent each evening are the in-person real-time “huggy” ones between parents and their children.
Show your children by the decisions that you make that you set a high priority on family time. Those decisions may not always be popular ones, but they are powerful indicators of what you think is important.
To get moral support in this area, contact a wonderful organization that Dr. Doherty helped to establish: “Putting Family First.” Their website is “puttingfamilyfirst.us”.
Like the father in the photograph I shared, take time to savor the sight of your child. If I wanted to lay eyes on my son tonight, I’d have to get on a plane, not just peek in his bedroom. Our children often teach us valuable life lessons. Let’s not forget this one: “Look, Mommy and Daddy! Look at me!”
Thank you!
Before I share a few thoughts with you tonight, I’d like to show you a photograph of a father and son which appeared in the Baltimore Sun this summer. This father was returning from a tour of duty on the hospital ship Comfort which had been sent to Iraq to care for wounded American soldiers.
I find the photograph both touching and unique – touching for many reasons and unique because it captures the moments just after that first hug and kiss. I can imagine this dad tossing his son in the air or spinning him around, setting him gently back down on the ground, and then seating himself on his duffel bag so that he could look directly into the eyes of the boy he loves. For both father and son, it is a moment of pure joy.
This photograph got me thinking about looking at and seeing our children ... looking at them straight in the eye and full in the face, and seeing right into their souls. Then I thought about the comment that a harried mom made recently.
She said, “You know, once the school year starts and all the extra-curricular activities begin, I feel like I see more of my child through the rear view mirror than I do across the kitchen table.” We are all so busy, it seems, that it is becoming increasingly more difficult to stop and savor just the sight of our children.
I have a friend who is both a nurse and a licensed clinical social worker. She recently shared with me an article written by William Doherty, Ph.D. who is a professor and the director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota. The article is entitled, “See How They Run” and it addresses what Dr. Doherty describes as “the problem of the decade” which is that, for many kids, childhood is becoming a rat race of hyperscheduling, overbusyness, and loss of family time. (These are the same issues, by the way, which emerged from the work of McDonogh’s Student Life Committee last year.)
Dr. Doherty points out that parents have become “recreation directors” on “the family cruise ship.” They feel tremendous pressure to provide as many opportunities as possible for their children so that their sons and daughters won’t somehow fall behind their peers.
“Parents love their children as much as previous generations did,” he writes, “but we’re raising them in a culture that defines a good parent as an opportunity provider in a competitive world. Parents don’t easily assign themselves “parent points” for providing their children time to daydream and make up games to play with the neighbor kids. Parenting has become a competitive sport with the trophies going to the busiest.”
And it doesn’t just feel as if we’re getting busier. According to Dr. Doherty, a national time-diary survey indicated that between 1981 and 1997, children lost 12 hours per week in free time, including a 25% drop in playtime and a 50% drop in unstructured outdoor activities. The study found that “partly as a consequence of children’s new schedules, families spend less time interacting. Household conversation between parents and children – time for just talking and not doing anything else – nearly dropped off the radar screen of family life.” Another national survey plotted a one-third decrease in the number of families even claiming to have family dinners regularly.
And speaking of family dinners (which few of us enjoyed tonight), a National Adolescent Health Study found “a strong link between regular family meals and a wide range of positive outcomes: academic success, psychological adjustment, and lower rates of alcohol use, drug use, early sexual behavior, and suicide.”
A University of Michigan study of children’s time found that “more mealtime at home was the single strongest predictor of better achievement scores and fewer behavioral problems. Meal- time was far more powerful than time spent in school, studying, going to church, playing sports or doing art activities. Results held across all types of families and all income levels.” So there you have it – pass the macaroni and cheese!
I think few parents would argue the notion of over-scheduled kids and under-connected families. No parent has ever asked me, “Could you please suggest some good after-school activities? My family is spending way too much time together!” But carving out time for family meals, conversations, bedtime stories, or simple relaxation isn’t easy – and can even feel counter-cultural. That is why I think that schools and families need to work on this problem together.
Accordingly, I have been having serious conversation with Lower School teachers over the past year about homework. If we, as a Lower School, say we value family time, we need to help parents preserve it. We have, therefore, established the following limits on homework:
Children work at different paces, so if it seems that your child will be working 10 or more minutes beyond these limits, please sign your name to the assignment, put it away, and read a story with your child instead. Speak to the teacher or write a note the following day if necessary. Homework should not induce tears – yours or theirs!
Now, on the homefront, for all you families who often feel frenetic, I strongly urge the following:
Thank you!