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New book's themes are focus of Lidston's remarks
I would like everyone to imagine – just for a moment – that I am Oprah Winfrey!
Now – before you get too excited – I can tell you that I have no new cars waiting outside for you! But what I do have is a Book Club Selection – Michael Thompson’s The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. Bo [Dixon, headmaster] recommended this book in his August letter to you, and faculty members were asked to read it over the summer. It will be the first selection read by members of the new McDonogh Book Club being organized in October.
The book is written in a very readable style and reminds us all that life at school is FULL; not just of studies, but of human emotion: excitement, fear, envy, love, anger, joy, competitiveness. (And that’s just the parents’ experience!)
Dr. Thompson contends that even the best students in the best schools find it hard sometimes to navigate the emotional landscape of the school day.
He makes some points which I think “ring true” for Lower School parents in particular. I would like to share three of these points with you tonight:
1) First, Dr. Thompson says that parenting is an anxiety-producing affair. He tells the story of an anxious mom who phoned her pediatrician once or twice a day for the first two month’s of her baby’s life. Finally, the pediatrician sat her down and said, “Mrs. Smith, you have given birth to a baby. You have opened yourself up to a lifetime of anxiety. You’re going to have to pace yourself.”
“No one is really prepared for the power of the love they feel for their children, and the feelings of profound vulnerability to which having children makes you susceptible,” Thompson says.
Few of us are ready for how different our children’s lives and temperament are from our own. I believe the central task of raising a child is to understand who that child is, what her strengths and limitations are, and the myriad of ways in which she is different from her parents.” I want to assure you that the Lower School faculty and I understand the powerful feelings you have for your children, and how vulnerable you can feel when your child is in pain or is having difficulty in school. We also know that you rely on us for information to help you understand your child’s strengths and limitations as a student in this setting. We will do our best to give you the information you need, all the while remembering that we are talking about a little person who means everything to you.
2) Second, Thompson points out that trust is essential to the success of any relationship – parent and child, teacher and child, parent and teacher.
I think it is incredibly important for a parent to be able to say, “I trust my child’s teacher.” I hope that those of you who have been with us for a while can say with conviction that you have been able to trust the insights, integrity, and character of your child’s teachers. If you are new to McDonogh, I hope you are already well on your way to developing that kind of relationship with us.
But Thompson also examines another sort of trust – trust in the process of child development itself. He writes:
“American parents, in particular, do not trust development. They want to make it happen; they want to push it or feel they are controlling it … You can create a good growing space for a child, but you can’t make development happen. Development is the fundamental engine of a growing child, and, to the extent that anyone is in control, the child is in charge.”
It is hard for adults to let children be in charge; hard not to try to help or intervene or hasten their development. Sometimes, however, the best thing a parent can do is just wait for and allow development to happen.
3) Third, Thompson quoted a child psychiatrist named Alfred Flarsheim who made what Thompson calls a “stunning” and “radical” statement. Flarsheim said: “Every child is doing the best he or she can at every moment.”
“Stop and consider that statement,” Thompson writes, “Can it possibly be true? It seems to imply that children don’t mess up, that they don’t make bad decisions, that they are in control of themselves all the time. That is not true, and that is not what Flarsheim claimed. What he was saying was that every child is doing her developmental best at any given moment in time; that no child intentionally does a bad job at her own development. Sometimes a child’s best doesn’t look so good to us, but in that moment he is doing all he is prepared to do under the circumstances.”
As I pondered these statements, a question occurred to me: Couldn’t the same be true for all of us? Couldn’t we all be doing the best we are prepared to do at any given moment, under any given circumstances? If we truly believed that, I think we would be far more patient with one another and far more forgiving of ourselves. As the new school year begins, I invite you to consider these three possibilities:
1) Every parent is being the best parent he/she can be at any given moment.
2) Every teacher is being the best teacher he/she can be at any given moment.
3) If the best parents and the best teachers combine their efforts they can do amazing things and allow all their children – at any given moment – to “Be the Best of Whatever They Are.”
I would like everyone to imagine – just for a moment – that I am Oprah Winfrey!
Now – before you get too excited – I can tell you that I have no new cars waiting outside for you! But what I do have is a Book Club Selection – Michael Thompson’s The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. Bo [Dixon, headmaster] recommended this book in his August letter to you, and faculty members were asked to read it over the summer. It will be the first selection read by members of the new McDonogh Book Club being organized in October.
The book is written in a very readable style and reminds us all that life at school is FULL; not just of studies, but of human emotion: excitement, fear, envy, love, anger, joy, competitiveness. (And that’s just the parents’ experience!)
Dr. Thompson contends that even the best students in the best schools find it hard sometimes to navigate the emotional landscape of the school day.
He makes some points which I think “ring true” for Lower School parents in particular. I would like to share three of these points with you tonight:
1) First, Dr. Thompson says that parenting is an anxiety-producing affair. He tells the story of an anxious mom who phoned her pediatrician once or twice a day for the first two month’s of her baby’s life. Finally, the pediatrician sat her down and said, “Mrs. Smith, you have given birth to a baby. You have opened yourself up to a lifetime of anxiety. You’re going to have to pace yourself.”
“No one is really prepared for the power of the love they feel for their children, and the feelings of profound vulnerability to which having children makes you susceptible,” Thompson says.
Few of us are ready for how different our children’s lives and temperament are from our own. I believe the central task of raising a child is to understand who that child is, what her strengths and limitations are, and the myriad of ways in which she is different from her parents.” I want to assure you that the Lower School faculty and I understand the powerful feelings you have for your children, and how vulnerable you can feel when your child is in pain or is having difficulty in school. We also know that you rely on us for information to help you understand your child’s strengths and limitations as a student in this setting. We will do our best to give you the information you need, all the while remembering that we are talking about a little person who means everything to you.
2) Second, Thompson points out that trust is essential to the success of any relationship – parent and child, teacher and child, parent and teacher.
I think it is incredibly important for a parent to be able to say, “I trust my child’s teacher.” I hope that those of you who have been with us for a while can say with conviction that you have been able to trust the insights, integrity, and character of your child’s teachers. If you are new to McDonogh, I hope you are already well on your way to developing that kind of relationship with us.
But Thompson also examines another sort of trust – trust in the process of child development itself. He writes:
“American parents, in particular, do not trust development. They want to make it happen; they want to push it or feel they are controlling it … You can create a good growing space for a child, but you can’t make development happen. Development is the fundamental engine of a growing child, and, to the extent that anyone is in control, the child is in charge.”
It is hard for adults to let children be in charge; hard not to try to help or intervene or hasten their development. Sometimes, however, the best thing a parent can do is just wait for and allow development to happen.
3) Third, Thompson quoted a child psychiatrist named Alfred Flarsheim who made what Thompson calls a “stunning” and “radical” statement. Flarsheim said: “Every child is doing the best he or she can at every moment.”
“Stop and consider that statement,” Thompson writes, “Can it possibly be true? It seems to imply that children don’t mess up, that they don’t make bad decisions, that they are in control of themselves all the time. That is not true, and that is not what Flarsheim claimed. What he was saying was that every child is doing her developmental best at any given moment in time; that no child intentionally does a bad job at her own development. Sometimes a child’s best doesn’t look so good to us, but in that moment he is doing all he is prepared to do under the circumstances.”
As I pondered these statements, a question occurred to me: Couldn’t the same be true for all of us? Couldn’t we all be doing the best we are prepared to do at any given moment, under any given circumstances? If we truly believed that, I think we would be far more patient with one another and far more forgiving of ourselves. As the new school year begins, I invite you to consider these three possibilities:
1) Every parent is being the best parent he/she can be at any given moment.
2) Every teacher is being the best teacher he/she can be at any given moment.
3) If the best parents and the best teachers combine their efforts they can do amazing things and allow all their children – at any given moment – to “Be the Best of Whatever They Are.”